A fast route to building rapport?

Post by Andrew Thorp - 6th July 2024

Every so often I find myself buried in a book and this gem from journalist David Robson has me hooked at the moment.

The early chapters focus on the science behind that elusive thing called ‘connection’. If you’ve ever given a speech, pitched to a prospective client, met a stranger at a networking event or found yourself in a job interview, you’ll know when you’ve achieved it…and when you haven’t!

Persuasion guru Robert Cialdini identified ‘liking’ as one of the keys to success – we find it easier to buy from people we like, and who are like us.

But Robson takes this a bit further by reminding us that superficial similarities don’t matter nearly as much as things that run deeper. Finding common ground in how we feel about something is far more powerful – the so-called ‘shared reality’.

On-the-surface small talk will only get you so far. Discovering you went to the same university is fine, but you might find a deeper connection by talking about the experience of university and how those who studied remotely during the pandemic were somehow cheated.

The author also refers to the 36 questions that psychologist Arthur Aron came up with in 1997, sometimes known as the ‘fast friends procedure’. They’re in 3 batches of 12, with each successive section getting ever deeper.

An early one: “What would constitute a perfect day for you?”
A middle one: “What do you value most in a friendship?”

And a later one (a cracker):
“Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

I think we all know how important it is to find common ground with people we’re hoping to build a relationship with. But it seems the magic lies in that inner-world which means asking better, bolder questions.